Chronicles of Motherhood – Supermom

“[Motherhood is] the biggest gamble in the world. It is the glorious life force. It’s huge and scary—it’s an act of infinite optimism.”

~ Gilda Radner

Some days I feel like supermom…

… who not only takes a shower on a weekday morning but also washes her hair…
… who makes breakfast for her entire family…
… who turns all traffic lights green with her mind just to get her toddler to school on time…
… who crushes her workout – even if the 30 minute workout takes 45 minutes because her baby needs to be comforted… or changed… or moved from the bouncer to the swing to the play mat and back to the bouncer again…
… who cleans the kitchen and tidies up the house…
… who makes herself a healthy lunch and even makes it look fancy for a quick photo share…
… who gets in a focused full hour of work…
… who manages her time right between all these and breastfeeding sessions to get to her toddler’s school on time for pick-up…
… who is able to have both children happy and smiling at the same time…
… who bakes chocolate zucchini muffins, and bread and prepares a healthy dinner that surprisingly everybody loves…
… who gets everyone together so the whole family, including the four legged kids, go for a quick evening walk…
… who sails through the evening without a loud word, crying, or drama…
… who falls asleep holding her toddler’s hand only to wake up to spend a few quiet intimate moments with her husband…
… who wakes up to the first noise her baby makes to feed her even though she just fell asleep…
… who wakes up the next morning and does it again.

Other days, I feel not so super, not so optimistic. Other days I just feel like a total mess…

… who just puts some perfume on to hide the fact that there was no time to shower and that her hair smells like spit-up…
… who simply pours cereal and the milk for the entire family, because that’s all she has time and energy for and breakfast important…
… who quietly cries in the car 10 minutes late for morning drop-off because she lost her patience with her toddler who made a scene because her hair clip wasn’t in right and took it out again and again and again, a hundred times it felt like…
… who is crushed by the weight of the mess in the house and eats an entire Hershey bar while accepting that the house will stay messy…
… who despite all this still gets her workout in because that’s her only me time although the last 1o minutes are spent more with baby than with weights…
… who eats her toddler’s leftover breakfast for lunch…
… who quickly makes her coffee to go and no matter how hard she tries, she’s late for pickup…
… who stands hunched over at the doorway not understanding why her toddler is already making a scene – and she’s unconsolable. No hug, no love, no reasoning, no anger, no nothing helps…
… who is happy that after an hour the crying stopped but now the baby needs attention…
… who not only didn’t prepare dinner but she also didn’t make it to the store so her husband stops on his way home to get fresh bread…
… who looks at her husband with her eyes begging for help as her toddler won’t brush her teeth, won’t put her long sleeve PJ’s on because she promises not to kick the blanket off…
…who quietly cries again as her toddler is finally falling asleep…
… who then quickly falls asleep next to her only to be woken up by her husband but she no longer has the energy to spend time with him and stumbles to bed…
… who realizes as her head hits the pillow that she didn’t even look at the dogs today…
… who wakes up to the first noise her baby makes to feed her even though she just fell asleep…
… who wakes up the next morning and does it again.

And yet every day, I am filled with love and gratitude for my family and realize that every single cliche I heard about motherhood is true. ❤

Chronicles of Motherhood – Now With Two (Mom Only for Now)

The other day my husband told me it would be nice to be husband and wife for a moment and just cuddle up. Not necessarily to be intimate – though I’m sure he had that on his mind too ( 😛 ) but to just be us. And I was quick to ask him two very strategic questions: when and how?

And the reality hit both of us. With two children now, one almost 4 years old, the other only two months old, we have been both upgraded and downgraded to mom and dad only. The truth is, both mornings and evenings are brutal. After having dinner, it’s bath time for our older, clean up time for me, hold the baby time for my husband (for the purpose of this post I’ll just refer to him as “dad” from here on). Once Sophie is done with her bath and I’ve finished cleaning the kitchen, it’s time for brushing our teeth and changing into our PJ’s. In bed we all talk about our day – highs and lows. Some nights Sophie goes really deep with her thoughts and feelings, others it’s all just fun and games and being silly. Which is okay. What matters is that we’re establishing a habit, a tradition, so to say, where we can openly talk about our successes and challenges, what made us happy or sad that day, our joys and pains… All of it. After that I stay with Sophie until she falls asleep (many times I fall asleep with her), then I feed Annabel for 30-40 minutes. Some nights I get lucky and she falls asleep and I can just swaddle her and put her in her bassinet. Other nights she’s not falling asleep, so I swaddle her, put her on my arm and I make the shushing noise until she falls asleep. I’ve learned not to put her in the bassinet when I think she’s sleeping deep enough, because she isn’t. So she sleeps on my arm until my arm is numb and sore enough that I wake up for the pain, and move my arm from under her. In the morning when she wakes up, I nurse her. Usually dad is taking a shower already. When I finish nursing her, I hand her to dad (you may be wondering why he’s holding her all the time, well, because otherwise she screams, yeah, she’s one of those “hold me all the time” babies 🙂 ). I then start preparing breakfast for the family, lunch for Sophie, and just generally get Sophie ready for preschool – bathroom break, dress her, make her hair, put her lunch box together, then her and dad are out the door. And then soon enough, the evening routine starts back up again. 

It’s important to not lose ourselves in one role, to not let one role define us. In the long run, that is. Short term, especially with a new baby, it’s completely normal. But when life again is normalized, baby is bigger, can be left with someone other than mom and dad, even if for an hour, it’s so important to be husband and wife again. To go on dates, to enjoy each other’s company outside of parenthood. I know it sounds like a cliche, but it’s also true. If we don’t keep the fire burning and alive by working on it every single day, the flames will burn out. And it doesn’t have to be something big every time. A kiss here, a sweet note there, just a look, a glance, a small romantic gesture, that we’re still here. Not just as mom and dad, but as husband and wife, man and woman, with passion and love. 

Chronicles of Motherhood – Now With Two (Tiny Hands)

Those little hands stole my heart, and those tiny feet ran away with it”

I’ve held Sophie’s hands for the past 1,359 days, and those hands, those tiny hands, were always so tiny. I held her hand right after meeting her for the very first time and I’ve held them almost every single day since.

And I love holding her hands. She’s my baby and forever will be. But she won’t always be a baby. And that’s something I realized about two weeks ago… 

You see, I’ve watched her grow, and become a toddler. And then from a toddler, she became this tiny little girl with her own personality, with her good days and bad days, happy moments and sad moments, smiles and tears, tantrums and hugs, easy days and more difficult days.

And I try to be there for every single one of them, as much as I can. I want her to know mommy (and daddy too) will always be there, to hold her hand, even if just symbolically, that we will always be there for her. And her tiny hands will always be tiny in my heart.

The reality is though, that they’re not so tiny. Yes, she’s not even 4 years old yet, and we have many many many more years before she starts life on her own, but having a second child makes me appreciate those tiny hands, those amazing moments, happy or sad, good or bad, even more, because I get to be part of them.

As I held Annabel’s tiny hands the other day, tears started falling down my face.

It is true that time is our most precious commodity. The more we realize this, the more we will live in the moment, the more we will enjoy every second, stay in the present. Yes, we need to have plans and goals and look towards whatever the next day, week, month or year holds, but slow down, oh hurried mind, and let the heart take over. Because the today of a baby quickly turns into the tomorrow of your adult child starting life on her own. And while a mother’s love never changes, everything else does. So hold those hands as long as you can. ❤ 

Chronicles of Motherhood – Now With Two (Struggles)

“Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation.” 

~Graham Green

I’ve always said that Sophie, our first daughter, now almost 4 is very attached to me. An that is a true statement. But not a complete statement. To make it entirely true I should have always added that I am just as attached to her. And though that’s something I’ve known, I never truly knew what it really meant. How much it really meant, until Annabel was born.

Annabel is amazing and at only three weeks old her character already shows – very different from Sophie’s at this age. And I love her. She truly is a bundle of joy, nurses well, sleeps relatively well – though after our night feeding she will not fall asleep on her own, so I just put her next to me in the bed and we sleep like that. I think pregnancy prepares the mother for bedsharing – sleeping on my left side for close to six months has allowed me to feel safe with Annabel close to me. I can sleep in the same position without moving at all.

But all this doesn’t come at no cost whatsoever. Sophie has, for the most part, accepted that our world has turned upside down. Everything has changed. My husband helps out a lot, I truly don’t know what I would do without him. He prepares Sophie in the morning, preps her lunch, dresses her, puts her to bed at night – though I stick to keeping our bedtime routine of all three of us talking about our day, the best part and the worst part.

But Sophie misses her mom. She crashes sometimes, like last night when she cried and cried and cried that she wanted me to put her to bed. Or to just rock her. Hug her. All while Annabel was inconsolable – it was time to feed her. And there’s only one of me. Annabel needs me. Annabel is dependent on me – for nourishment, for comfort, for life. And just as much, though in different. yet still important ways, Sophie needs me as well. And I’m struggling. I’m struggling to find balance, to be there for both of them, in a way that neither of them feel less loved, less cared for. And I feel like Sophie feels that way sometimes. She’s awesome and caring and understanding, like when I told her I knew this was a difficult period, her response was “it’s okay, it’s not difficult for me” – her tears tell a different story. 

And so do mine. Just as much as she cries at times, I do too. Sometimes just in my heart, sometimes real tears are falling. I want to be there. “She’s not hungry mom, she just wants to be held. Daddy will hold her.”. Oh honey but she is. I love you so much and I wish I could lay down with you but I need to go feed your baby sister. I know all older siblings go through this change. I was six years old when my brother was born, my brother, whom I love so much. I don’t remember feeling unloved. But I did. At least that’s what my grandmother told me.

I know things will resolve themselves. But for now, the struggle is real. So is the love and joy the two bring us. Because 99% of the time, the only feeling in the air is love. ❤

Chronicles of Motherhood – Now with Two (Week 1)

Definition of Mother: The greatest unconditional and infinite love we will ever experience in our existence

I was scared… worried… how am I gonna do this? How will I feel the same type and amount of love for Annabel I do for Sophie. How will we manage too now? How will Sophie react? Will she be jealous? Will she act out?

Sophie, our first daughter, born August 2012 is amazing. She’s pure love. Sure, she’s going through her “terrible two” right now (great timing huh), but by nature she is incredibly caring, loving, and comforting. She’s the little girl that will go up to anybody that’s crying to comfort them. She’s the little girl that will be first in her class to be there for the new child (female child, to be specific 😛 ) so that they’re not scared.

And she did live up to her character.

The moment her sister starts crying, she’s there. When I nurse, she’s there to help. When Annabel needs to be burped, she’s there. I couldn’t ask for a better helper. 

The only difficult part has been that both my husband and Sophie came down with something (not the same thing). My husband had fever, which she never gets, and Sophie probably had the common cold, but either way, we’ve been quarantined to the bedroom. Every time Sophie was allowed to go close to Annabel, she had to wear a mask.

She fought it a little bit, and it was hard for her to keep it on and not touch her nose and things like that, but she did it. Every night we talk about our day, highs and lows. Some days she’s being “silly billy”, like she says (a term she picked up at preschool), but some days she goes deep. Like the other day when she said the best part of her day was that her sister is finally here, and the worst part was that she has to wear a mask. Poor baby, but it’s for the best. If a newborn under the age of one month old gets fever (anything above 100.4), she’s automatically admitted for 48 hours. Luckily, everyone seems to be doing better and Annabel is fine as well.

And I just want to hold her.

And hold her and hold her because I know how fast time flies by. Of course, Sophie is only 3.5 as well, and I get to hold her plenty, but time is the most precious thing one could have (insert long pause here, something for another post another day).

I love being a mom of two 

An Honest Look at My Pregnancy

The reason we struggle with insecurity is that we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel”.

Social media, while having so many advantages, has at least as many disadvantages as well. It’s hard to hide from, and we’re bombarded with perfection every day: perfect make-up, perfect hair, perfect drops of sweat on perfectly toned bodies, models and athletes showing off their gorgeous pregnant bodies. For most of us, these images are completely unachievable and let’s be honest, while amazing, also pretty unrealistic. 

As a fit health coach for moms and moms-to-be, my goal is to empower women to feel their best through good nutrition, everyday physical activity, and lifestyle changes at any stage in their lives. And some stages are more difficult than others. Pregnancy is a good example.

If you follow me on social media, you see me posting healthy (and sometimes not so healthy) meals I prepare. You see my workout videos, you see my workout pictures. You sometimes get a glimpse at my family. Here are a few facts I haven’t shared:

• I’m a week away from when Sophie was born and I already gained more weight – this is completely normal the second time around in general, plus I wake up earlier, lift heavier and am generally more active, which also means I eat more (with Sophie I started at 132 ended up at 162, with Annabel I started at 128 and I’m up at 160)
• I have varicose veins – they’re absolutely not pretty, and are rather uncomfortable, not painful, but the sore kind of feeling, especially when I’m sitting for a longer period of time
• I have a lot of discomfort, it’s pretty much a downhill ride from after my workout (at 5:30am), which I push through and enjoy, but you should see me later in the day: I have a hard time getting up, I’m walking funny and slowly and you can just tell I’m not having a whole lot of fun (which may be the reason this nice guy offered to place a tub of Philadelphia cream cheese in my cart… )
• I have pelvic pain way more than I had with Sophie, which again is normal, but still not fun

So then what’s the point, you may ask. Why do I keep working out if I have aches anyways?

So many reasons:

• It makes me feel better about myself
• It makes me a better and more patient mom and wife
• It makes me more productive
• It improves my strength and endurance which in turn will make labor easier and bouncing back to my pre-gpregnancy body easier (hahahahaha on my word choice, bouncing, right, it still is going to be hard work but not as hard as it would be without exercise during my pregnancy)
• I would have way more aches and pains if I wasn’t working out, as evidenced by days I take off – my back is hurting, I get injured way easier (nothing major, just a wrong move here or there)
• Exercising makes me want to eat better and studies show that shaping young tastes starts early, even in the womb

So my point with this post is basically this: do what you can, do your best, do not compare yourself to anybody, love your body, love your body enough that you keep it healthy through physical activity and good nutrition, and most of all, love your unborn child enough that if you wouldn’t do this for yourself, you do it for him/her. I’m not trying to use emotional appeal here, do it for your child(ren), but it’s true. It all starts with you. The healthier you are, the healthier your family will be. The more confident you are, the more confident your children will be. And confidence has nothing to do with your look. It has to do with your strength – inner and outer strength. Believe in yourself because I believe in you. 

Pregnancy Week 33 Plan

Oh what a week last week was. So many things have happened. I got my citizenship, I’m so proud. I’ll be honest though, I took full advantage of being pregnant. Hee hee. I made my way to the front of the line, and it’s okay. I mean, nobody has to know I lift in the mornings, right? In all seriousness though, the ceremony is really awesome but incredibly long. Security lines are huge – just that day 3,985 people became citizens, that’s a lot of people, so you can imagine the amount of people. Being pregnant at the ceremony had other advantages as well, like they didn’t take my drink and snack (they took my husband’s drink away…). This was long overdue, and I couldn’t be happier.

Sophie again had a one day fever, Thursday night she went up all the way 102.7 – her fever goes up really high in a really short amount of time… So she skipped preschool on Friday – but at least I got to sleep in with her. Of course, she was totally fine on Friday, check this picture out and you’ll know what I’m talking about. 😉

My overall state of being can be characterized as tired and frustrated, overall. I still wake up at 4:45am to read (right now I’m reading The Power of I Am by Joel Osteen), then I work out, morning prep, take Sophie to preschool, work at home, pick Sophie up, spend time with her, make dinner, have dinner, walk the dogs (on better days, it hasn’t been happening as much as it should lately), evening prep then bed time. The days are long, but productive. And I’m not frustrated with anyone in particular, just in general. Which I think it’s worse, actually. But it is what it is, other than being aware of it and controlling it that way, there’s not much else I can do about it. Did you feel like this during your pregnancy? 

I had a friend  come over and help me sort baby clothes this weekend, it’s crazy how much we have saved, what’s even crazier is how much of what is not salvageable I actually kept. Did you keep your old baby clothes?

But on to this week: I’m 33 weeks pregnant!!! I’m definitely feeling it, I’m sore, have more belly ache and pressure, baby girl is definitely putting mommy to the test. I’m excited to meet her but of course, for now, she needs to stay in there where it’s safe for her. I’m worried a tiny bit though, about how mornings and evenings are going to be, how we’ll manage two amazing girls with both of them getting love and attention. I know, I know…. These things resolve on their own, but the truth is, both will get less love in a way. 

Last week our meals were good and I got all my workouts in – took Friday off but used Saturday as my makeup day. Mornings are the best, it’s all downhill from there, haha.

With that, this weeks plans are:

Until next week, stay active, eat well, and be happy. 🙂 

Pregnancy Week 31 Plan

You know how you calculate where you are in your pregnancy and then sometimes double check it? Well… It turns out, on my workout plan, I skipped week 7. So that made me wonder whether I was truly only 30 weeks pregnant and not 31. But then I check our ultrasound images, and based on that, I am 31 weeks and 5 days today. Well, it’s not an exact science, no matter what anyone says, but on one hand being only 30 weeks would give me more time to finish creating my prenatal course, on the other hand, being 31 weeks and 5 days means I’m that much closer to meeting Annabelle. 99% on the name. For now though, it’s 100% push time, and when Sophie came down with a fever, push time came early, my view at 6am last week:

Was it easy for you to pick a name for your child(ren)? Sophie’s name came so much easier, but we really struggled picking a second girl’s name. And for some reason, I sometimes have this feeling that Annabelle could be a boy. This pregnancy is just so different, in so many aspects, and anybody who sees my belly immediately says it’s a boy. I know, I know. The ultrasound said girl, but then again, it’s not like the ultrasound was never wrong – and you know how you start hearing those tales of people who were told it was going to be one and then turned out to be the other. My husband doesn’t want a 4D ultrasound, and I get it. But I so do. Haha.

So last week was tough. My husband was down with a stomach bug since Saturday the week before, and I could feel I was coming down with it. Neither of us had any energy, which is always bad, but especially when you have a toddler full of energy that wants to run around, ride her bike, play, and neither parent is in the shape to do it. We really felt so bad…. The worst day was Wednesday – my birthday. The stomach bug hit full on, which was really crappy (pun intended, and I apologize for my choice of words… kinda 😛 ) So I had to take meals easy that day, to keep my tummy safe… But that of course gave me an insane headache by 5:30pm, at which time I overate and was sick for the next 9 hours…. But at least I got to chat with my friend a bit in the middle of the night. 🙂

Then of course, Sophie came down with a fever, just for one night/day. I freaked out a bit, thinking it could be vaccine related. See, we’re in the catch-up phase (not to start a vaccine debate here, I believe in vaccination just not giving so many vaccines at a time so we’re a bit behind and have a new pediatrician), so by my own mistake I thought she got a 4th Polio (IPV) vaccine, so I frantically called her pedi’s office only to make them think I’m totally crazy. Haha. It happens, and I might just be a little bit in this pregnancy. But either way, Friday Sophie had a Celebration of Love Party where they exchanged cards and a ridiculous amount of candy and had a lunch party. It was the cutest thing. 

So back to last week: meals were not on track and I completed 2 out of the 5 planned workouts. #itsokay though. Being healthy is way more important and my body needed the rest. 

I finally feel a lot better though, I can’t tell you how amazing it feels to have the energy again to work out.

So with that, here’s my workout plan for this week:

And our meal plan for this week:

Until next week: stay active, eat well, and be happy. 🙂 

I Feel Like I’m Prepping for the Biggest Challenge of My Life

I feel like I’m prepping for the biggest challenge of my life…

…is exactly what I told my husband this morning as I asked him to help with brushing Sophie’s teeth. Which sounds like a normal request except that Sophie was having none of it.

You see, before you become a parent, you have ideas of how parenting is going to be and should be. One the biggest things I was against pre-Sophie times was bed sharing. I remember reading in forums how parents were sharing their beds with their toddlers, telling my husband how that was not okay, because the bedroom is ours. The bed is ours. It’s there for us to sleep in but more importantly, be intimate in. To love each other. No child should be there.

But then life happened. Sophie was always a good sleeper, but when she wasn’t, and we would be tired, we let her sleep with us. 

This is a pretty early picture, and it’s just one of those mornings, but soon enough, she was sleeping between us. 

We have transitioned her into her own bed now, but she does wake up in the middle of the night and comes to sleep between us. She’s three-and-a-half.

You might ask… well, if you’re into attachment parenting, you might ask what’s wrong with it. If you’re not, you might ask what’s wrong with us. 😛 Either way…. my answer is there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. She needs us, and we are there for her.

But that’s where the problem comes in. She needs us, we are there for her, but she only wants me. When I’m around, 90% of the time my husband can’t do anything with/for her. She won’t allow him brush her teeth, like this morning. Or change her. Or just be there with her. My husband is doing everything. He is a tremendous help, really truly. But Sophie doesn’t accept it. I know, it’s normal for her to be attached to her mom.

But as the birth of our second daughter is approaching, I wonder how it’s all going to be. How I will give the attention to Sophie she so desires, needs and should get, while taking care of the new baby, myself, my husband, the household… I know things fall into place. Eventually they do, and I know this struggle is not unique to me and our family. I guess I just don’t feel ready. Do we ever for the unknown though?

Sophie is Not Having a Little Sister/Brother This Time Around

Some things we don’t have control over. With some things we just have to have faith and trust that they happen for a reason. That it is for the greater good.

I have been MIA for a while now, and that’s because normally, the first 12 weeks of pregnancy are private. So many things can happen. Actually, mostly only one thing can go wrong, and that’s when the woman miscarries. Miscarriages are more common than most of us realize, and in the majority of the cases happen because something is not okay with the developing fetus. Chromosomal issues, something doesn’t develop the way it should. Things can go wrong. And this time around, things did go wrong for us.

I am sad and disappointed. But I also know that my body knows what it’s doing. I trust my body. That’s the rational one in me talking. The emotional one says that we planned for this pregnancy, it happened, and now we lost it. It’s an emotional and physical journey. I was only five weeks, so luckily, I did not and will not end up at the ER. But it is physically painful.

Nonetheless, since I was offline blogging about it, I figured I’d share still. Maybe it will reach someone in similar shoes. Maybe it will encourage someone. Because the fact of the matter is, that one miscarriage means nothing. It does not mean that a woman is not capable of carrying a baby, or that she can’t have one. One miscarriage, though devastating, has no future implications in most cases. Of course, for me, having Sophie already helps tremendously. I know we can have kids. And she has been my rock. I don’t have to tell her how I feel, or what I need. She just pulls me close, and hugs me. Gives me a kiss. She’s only two so she doesn’t talk, but talk is not what I need. Her hugs and kisses, my husband’s support, my friends’ company (friends… more on that later, that’s another rather sad story). Knowing I’m not alone. And knowing we’re gonna have way more sex now. 😛

So if you’re interested, here are the first five weeks:

June 9, 2014 – The Ulterior Motive

I start The Ultimate Reset. I read maybe a year ago that people on it have gotten successfully pregnant.

June 8, 2014
I start using the Clearbly Fertility Monitor. It tracks both the estrogen and LH hormones predicting the most fertile days. Day 18 it goes to high. Stays there until Day 24, and then drops, never showing the release of an egg. I’m disappointed. It is completely normal for a woman to have a nonovulatory cycle, and I know when we were trying for Sophie, I did have a month or two when it did not show any signs of ovulation. Still, it sucks. I’m hoping this is just one those months and not a problem I need to be worried about.

July 10, 2014
Day 33. Completely normal, my cycle runs a little longer. If it wasn’t for the monitor not saying I did not ovulate this cycle, I’d start getting excited.

July 12, 2014 (Sunday)
3:30 am
Still nothing. I do feel a little bit more tired, and am hormonal. I blamed it on PMS, but we have a brunch date, just my hubby and I (I’d been dying to go on a date but with a toddler and our families on another continent, it’s hard, plus I love breakfast, so brunch sounds perfect). I really need to pee. Should I have mimosas with my breakfast, or not? I take a pregnancy test.

I place it in a zip lock bag on my husband’s night stand, but he wakes up. Accuses me of smiling because I had chocolate. Cute. But no. I show him the photo, he’s really happy. We both are. Neither of us can sleep.

July 13, 2014 (Monday)
I call my OBGYN, I can’t wait for him to see me. They only do though at week 6. I have four more weeks to go. FOUR. Feels like an eternity.

End of month one. It has been tough. I’m having crazy emotional lows, nothing I experienced when I was pregnant with Sophie.

My workouts have been on track, here’s what I did.

But my nutrition has been less than stellar. This week (week four) I ate rather crappy (sorry, but that’s the honest truth). Emotional eating is really a bad thing and it is NOT okay to blame it on hormones and pregnancy. Because while it has to do with it, we ALWAYS have a choice. The choice to choose fruit instead of a full bar of chocolate and chocolate chip cookies. Flavored frozen Greek yogurt instead of full fat ice cream. So tonight I’m getting rid of all those and am starting anew tomorrow. By the time you’re reading this, I’m 100% back on track. And I don’t take that lightly.

MONTH 2

July 29, 2014 (Tuesday)
In month 1 I told you I’m having these emotional lows. Today, Sophie is under the weather a bit, she’s having an elevated temperature and a runny nose. So we cuddled on the couch.

And it hit me. It hit me that this moment, like any other present moments will be gone forever. That this exact image soon will not be the same. It will never again be just Sophie and me on the couch like that. I read once that a mother’s love is infinite. That it’s not like I’ll have less for Sophie because we have a second child. It’s not something that’s divisible. But for now, the only child I hold is Sophie. The only child I can touch, breath in the moments we spend together, is Sophie. And for a second, the question “Am I ready?” popped into my head. Am I? But then I closed my eyes, and this vision appeared. This vision of the same image but with another child sitting there. As I was hugging that baby, I could feel the love in my heart. See the love in Sophie’s eyes. I’m ready. We’re ready. And each moment will be just more perfect. But until then, I treasure every second with my girl. She’s so perfect. ❤

August 1, 2014 (Friday)
I had my first pregnancy dream. I was in the hospital, in a really good mood, talking with my mom, both of us sitting on my hospital bed when they brought my baby in. I said “yes, I was right, it’s a boy” and my mom looked at me and said, “no, look, it’s a girl”, so I looked and yes… It was a girl, and I was really surprised because I was 100% sure it was a boy. I do feel a lot differently with this pregnancy than I did with Sophie, so I do think it’s a boy. But when I looked at my newborn in my dream, she smiled at me. I loved it. I loved her. I love being a mom and I can’t wait to hold my baby. Whatever the gender.
I also happened to catch Sophie’s cold. Try having a sore throat when you feel nauseous. Not fun. Luckily, some natural remedies (link) really helped me get over it fast.

August 2, 2014 (Saturday)
One side effect of pregnancy are vivid dreams. I had an extremely vivid and not too fun dream. Basically, an apocalyptic/post-apocalyptic dream. It had to do with large amounts of water (whenever I have a catastrophe dream, water is involved, like huge waves, or the ocean taking over the land, something like that). There were also machines. Hiding bunkers. No hygienics. But I survived. No one else was there with me after it was all over, I was in line to get food, they were handing them out in large see-through bags, the food looked gross. Meatballs, but they looked old, and the portions were tiny. Robin from HIMYM was there in the line too…. And in the next scene I was looking for a matching pair of shoes for my mom in old boxes in some abandoned house. She had some job interview, I think. Overall, I was just happy to be alive.

August 4, 2014 (Monday)
I’m feeling a lot happening in my belly. I also had some blood infused mucous the last few days. Tiny amounts, not to worry, but who doesn’t right? I remember having some blood with Sophie in week 8, I was crying the whole day, I was extremely scared, terrified, rather. So I know it’s normal. I also don’t know how far along I am. I could be in week 8, actually, according to the Bump app, I am there. My calculations, I’m 5 weeks along, but that’s because I’m looking at it from the possible day of conception, not the first day of my last period. Anyways, I’ll know more next Tuesday. Next Tuesday can’t come fast enough.