Sophie is Not Having a Little Sister/Brother This Time Around

Some things we don’t have control over. With some things we just have to have faith and trust that they happen for a reason. That it is for the greater good.

I have been MIA for a while now, and that’s because normally, the first 12 weeks of pregnancy are private. So many things can happen. Actually, mostly only one thing can go wrong, and that’s when the woman miscarries. Miscarriages are more common than most of us realize, and in the majority of the cases happen because something is not okay with the developing fetus. Chromosomal issues, something doesn’t develop the way it should. Things can go wrong. And this time around, things did go wrong for us.

I am sad and disappointed. But I also know that my body knows what it’s doing. I trust my body. That’s the rational one in me talking. The emotional one says that we planned for this pregnancy, it happened, and now we lost it. It’s an emotional and physical journey. I was only five weeks, so luckily, I did not and will not end up at the ER. But it is physically painful.

Nonetheless, since I was offline blogging about it, I figured I’d share still. Maybe it will reach someone in similar shoes. Maybe it will encourage someone. Because the fact of the matter is, that one miscarriage means nothing. It does not mean that a woman is not capable of carrying a baby, or that she can’t have one. One miscarriage, though devastating, has no future implications in most cases. Of course, for me, having Sophie already helps tremendously. I know we can have kids. And she has been my rock. I don’t have to tell her how I feel, or what I need. She just pulls me close, and hugs me. Gives me a kiss. She’s only two so she doesn’t talk, but talk is not what I need. Her hugs and kisses, my husband’s support, my friends’ company (friends… more on that later, that’s another rather sad story). Knowing I’m not alone. And knowing we’re gonna have way more sex now. 😛

So if you’re interested, here are the first five weeks:

June 9, 2014 – The Ulterior Motive

I start The Ultimate Reset. I read maybe a year ago that people on it have gotten successfully pregnant.

June 8, 2014
I start using the Clearbly Fertility Monitor. It tracks both the estrogen and LH hormones predicting the most fertile days. Day 18 it goes to high. Stays there until Day 24, and then drops, never showing the release of an egg. I’m disappointed. It is completely normal for a woman to have a nonovulatory cycle, and I know when we were trying for Sophie, I did have a month or two when it did not show any signs of ovulation. Still, it sucks. I’m hoping this is just one those months and not a problem I need to be worried about.

July 10, 2014
Day 33. Completely normal, my cycle runs a little longer. If it wasn’t for the monitor not saying I did not ovulate this cycle, I’d start getting excited.

July 12, 2014 (Sunday)
3:30 am
Still nothing. I do feel a little bit more tired, and am hormonal. I blamed it on PMS, but we have a brunch date, just my hubby and I (I’d been dying to go on a date but with a toddler and our families on another continent, it’s hard, plus I love breakfast, so brunch sounds perfect). I really need to pee. Should I have mimosas with my breakfast, or not? I take a pregnancy test.

I place it in a zip lock bag on my husband’s night stand, but he wakes up. Accuses me of smiling because I had chocolate. Cute. But no. I show him the photo, he’s really happy. We both are. Neither of us can sleep.

July 13, 2014 (Monday)
I call my OBGYN, I can’t wait for him to see me. They only do though at week 6. I have four more weeks to go. FOUR. Feels like an eternity.

End of month one. It has been tough. I’m having crazy emotional lows, nothing I experienced when I was pregnant with Sophie.

My workouts have been on track, here’s what I did.

But my nutrition has been less than stellar. This week (week four) I ate rather crappy (sorry, but that’s the honest truth). Emotional eating is really a bad thing and it is NOT okay to blame it on hormones and pregnancy. Because while it has to do with it, we ALWAYS have a choice. The choice to choose fruit instead of a full bar of chocolate and chocolate chip cookies. Flavored frozen Greek yogurt instead of full fat ice cream. So tonight I’m getting rid of all those and am starting anew tomorrow. By the time you’re reading this, I’m 100% back on track. And I don’t take that lightly.

MONTH 2

July 29, 2014 (Tuesday)
In month 1 I told you I’m having these emotional lows. Today, Sophie is under the weather a bit, she’s having an elevated temperature and a runny nose. So we cuddled on the couch.

And it hit me. It hit me that this moment, like any other present moments will be gone forever. That this exact image soon will not be the same. It will never again be just Sophie and me on the couch like that. I read once that a mother’s love is infinite. That it’s not like I’ll have less for Sophie because we have a second child. It’s not something that’s divisible. But for now, the only child I hold is Sophie. The only child I can touch, breath in the moments we spend together, is Sophie. And for a second, the question “Am I ready?” popped into my head. Am I? But then I closed my eyes, and this vision appeared. This vision of the same image but with another child sitting there. As I was hugging that baby, I could feel the love in my heart. See the love in Sophie’s eyes. I’m ready. We’re ready. And each moment will be just more perfect. But until then, I treasure every second with my girl. She’s so perfect. ❤

August 1, 2014 (Friday)
I had my first pregnancy dream. I was in the hospital, in a really good mood, talking with my mom, both of us sitting on my hospital bed when they brought my baby in. I said “yes, I was right, it’s a boy” and my mom looked at me and said, “no, look, it’s a girl”, so I looked and yes… It was a girl, and I was really surprised because I was 100% sure it was a boy. I do feel a lot differently with this pregnancy than I did with Sophie, so I do think it’s a boy. But when I looked at my newborn in my dream, she smiled at me. I loved it. I loved her. I love being a mom and I can’t wait to hold my baby. Whatever the gender.
I also happened to catch Sophie’s cold. Try having a sore throat when you feel nauseous. Not fun. Luckily, some natural remedies (link) really helped me get over it fast.

August 2, 2014 (Saturday)
One side effect of pregnancy are vivid dreams. I had an extremely vivid and not too fun dream. Basically, an apocalyptic/post-apocalyptic dream. It had to do with large amounts of water (whenever I have a catastrophe dream, water is involved, like huge waves, or the ocean taking over the land, something like that). There were also machines. Hiding bunkers. No hygienics. But I survived. No one else was there with me after it was all over, I was in line to get food, they were handing them out in large see-through bags, the food looked gross. Meatballs, but they looked old, and the portions were tiny. Robin from HIMYM was there in the line too…. And in the next scene I was looking for a matching pair of shoes for my mom in old boxes in some abandoned house. She had some job interview, I think. Overall, I was just happy to be alive.

August 4, 2014 (Monday)
I’m feeling a lot happening in my belly. I also had some blood infused mucous the last few days. Tiny amounts, not to worry, but who doesn’t right? I remember having some blood with Sophie in week 8, I was crying the whole day, I was extremely scared, terrified, rather. So I know it’s normal. I also don’t know how far along I am. I could be in week 8, actually, according to the Bump app, I am there. My calculations, I’m 5 weeks along, but that’s because I’m looking at it from the possible day of conception, not the first day of my last period. Anyways, I’ll know more next Tuesday. Next Tuesday can’t come fast enough.